Good-Bye, Guatemala

This has been one of the most difficult decisions of my life. After deciding to stay in Nicaragua, I told myself I would return to Guatemala to get a realistic look at what my situation would be like upon my return.

Arriving back in Guatemala, I felt right at home again. Guatemala has become my home over these past two years. I spent the first few days back in country at the Peace Corps center, and then decided to head back to site for a few days to get a feel for what it would be like to be back in town, as well as to see how traveling by myself would be.

Unfortunately traveling, especially by myself, is no longer enjoyable- bearable at best. My staying in Guatemala would involve a number of things, and one of those things would be traveling to Guatemala City twice a month or more for medical appointments (have you ever not slept for four weeks?). That traveling would involve an eighteen hour round trip (think Buffalo to Boston, except in an over-crowded school bus swerving through the mountains), a two night stay, three missed days of work, anxiety up the wazoo- all for a one hour session.

After a careful cost:benefit analysis, it just didn't seem to make sense. It's like an awful catch-22: in order to get the medical care that is available to me to overcome my anxiety of traveling, I would need to make a solo eighteen hour round trip twice or more a month. Perhaps it would be a good way to test out my resiliency to travel, but at what cost? Knowing the safety situation of Guatemalan transportation and my luck, it seems like a risk too great to take all at once. Coming back to dire straits at work made me question things over and over again, and as you can imagine, wasn't exactly on the list of positive things going on in my life.

"Surprised." That is the response I have gotten from many people, but especially myself. Am I really doing this? I have been disgustingly critical with myself since I made this decision. It was never in my plans to finish up early. I thought I was tough- until my site mate's 11.5 oz. kitten gave me such a fright that I had to sit down for ten minutes. Not so much.

Serving as a Peace Corps volunteer has been the most rewarding and humbling experience I have had. So many people have opened their homes to me over the past two years- and I can't help but feel that I am breaking off a relationship I know I will never have again. Though it is in my tentative plans to come back and visit at some point in time, it will never be the same as it has been. Knowing that it is the right decision doesn't make it any easier to follow through with it.

Thank you for giving me an extraordinary two years, Guatemala.