The Billy Mays Effect

Gone are the days of staying home from secondary school sick, laying in bed with a high fever and watching endless hours of Billy Mays screaming at me, convincing me that my toilet bowl looked like it hadn't been cleaned since 1982, and then further convincing me of why I needed a product that could help me with that problem I never had- but then he would double the amount of OxiClean that would be sent to me, at half the price! Done.

All right, so I never actually watched infomercials (that much), but we have all seen, and skipped past, the pitch for MagneScribe, the pen that not only magnetically attaches to giant, nerd alarm-sounding lanyard (so not only do they convince you that you lose every pen you have ever owned, but that you need a giant digital clock hanging around your neck because you are always running behind). And all this with their "revolutionary magnetic technology." Coulda fooled me.

So then why on earth am I writing about infomercials in Guatemala? I don't own a television, thus ruling out any and all possibility of even having to think about them.

But the camioneta (bus) rides. Oh, the camioneta rides. The sixteen hour round-trip schlep it takes me to get from my site to the Peace Corps office. Whether it's food vendors or beggars, the rides are never quiet or relaxing. But inevitably, on almost every ride comes someone who is Guatemala's version of the Billy Mays-style infomercial (please read above disclaimer for sentence structure).

Step 1: Always wear sunglasses to avoid eye contact so you cannot feel like you are being as deceptive as you really are.

Step 2: Showing some kind of medicinal plant that is actually not in the product will automatically increase the likelihood of sales.

Step 3: Show a few grotesque photos of infections and fungi that none of us have probably ever had (this would be the convincing your audience of having an ailment that they do not actually, nor probably never will, have).

Step 4: Still focusing on keeping the attention of your potential clients, take out the product and perform an over-dramatized product example.

Step 5: After over-dramatized product example, state an overly-exorbitant price that they could get this phenomenal product for in the pharmacy, but hoy en día (today), the price will be slashed to one fifth of the retail value.